Messy Lives

Thanks to a beautiful new study (Run to Him), I have spent the past 3 weeks hovering in the Psalms. Not just reading through, but pondering one ancient song per day. And it has opened my eyes. Big time. If you don't know, King David of ancient Hebrew history wrote at least half of the 150 chapters found in the Old Testament book of Psalms. They were written as songs, though since my non-musical brain finds adding music horribly challenging, I imagine them as poems. About life. A messy life. An imperfect life. He committed adultery. He murdered. He lied. He was angry when evil people seemed to win and he seemed to lose. Wait. Messy and imperfect? How, then, was this written about that man: ..."He raised up David to be their king, of whom he testified and said, ‘I have found in David the son of Jesse a man after my heart, who will do all my will"(Acts 13:22b ESV)?

I don't know about you, but I often read (everything) through my colored lenses. Newspaper articles, magazine blurbs, and even the Bible get filtered through my own ideas about the subject at hand. I am seeing some of this for the first time. God is not calling my life to look perfect; he is calling me to do His will. And sometimes, that looks "messy". Yup, it really does.

Even Jesus' life did not look like MY picture of perfection. Say what?!

His motives were questioned: "The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’" (Matthew 11:19 ESV). I want everyone to understand my good intentions at all times even when I mess up.

He became emotional when something sad happened: "Jesus wept" (John 11:35 ESV). I want to be strong - always.

He acted with force to right a major wrong: "And they came to Jerusalem. And he entered the temple and began to drive out those who sold and those who bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons" (Mark 11:15 ESV). I think everything should be done calmly and quietly - not that I always succeed, but I am a Southern girl.

And, finally, he begged to not go through physical, spiritual, and emotional hell: And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39 ESV). He asked this not once, but at least twice. I like to think that when I know the right path that I will run after it with reckless abandon...because it is right.

I don't know about you, but none of those stories line up with the picture in my mind. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. I would call it messy. Not bad, not wrong, just not my idea of perfection.

And these are just two of the "messy" role models for my life. Which leads me to believe that life on this earth was messy, is messy, and will be messy forever...until I get where I'm going.

LIKE A CHILD

This Glorious Grace study has prompted me to study Ephesians like never before. And stretched this little brain to think beyond the surface, to dig past the "easy" verses and get to the grown-up stuff. Six little chapters, right?

Verse 12 of chapter 3 has caused me to stop in my tracks each day this week: "In Him and through faith in Him, we may approach God with freedom and confidence" (NIV). How exactly am I supposed to apply that? What exactly does that mean?

To 'get it', I must lower my adult understanding of how the world runs. My 7, 5, and 4 year old boys have demonstrated this since the day they were born and haven't been jaded out of that absolutely perfect childlike faith.

Confession Time: the Oval Office has always scared me. If I ever have the opportunity to go there, I am quite sure that I will trip over my own feet, spill a drink, spontaneously break out in hiccups, or open mouth-insert Shaq's feet (yup, that is plural-feet). I can not think of a more scary place to be than the office of the leader of the Free World.

Luke 18:17 tells us that "anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it". I have no doubt that my boys would run--with reckless abandon--into the Oval Office or Buckingham Palace if their Daddy was sitting there. No stern looks from those statue-like guards or wide eyes from Secret Service agents in dark suits would stop them from confidently entering any space where he is. The man that they idolize, that they love with all their hearts,  and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no mistake or offense would be greater than his ocean of love-- yes, that guy. Seeing THAT man means that I need to do what is right because that is what he has taught, but if I mess up, he will correct and forgive with love, and I boldly go where I have never gone before (sorry, Trekkies, I just couldn't resist) because HE is there.

That, ladies & gents, is walking with FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE.

COMMANDS.

My study on Glorious Grace led me to search Ephesians 1:1-14 for COMMANDS. Hmmm. Has the writer read that passage? Ok, I am kidding, but it looks like a lot truths for my walk with Jesus, but nothing that He is telling me to do. After all, I am accepted, chosen, and adopted. Go me!

In case you didn’t guess, I am a very literal person. A command should be phrased like one: DO this. DON”T do that. STOP doing bad. START doing good. You know, really easy for even my kindergartener to understand. But this passage isn’t phrased that way. There is even something in verse 9 about a MYSTERY—No kidding! After all, it is written by the same guy who wrote to the Corinthians about riddles and enigmas.

But then, I looked again. I switched versions (more than once, but that is just me) and there it was in black and white INSTRUCTIONS to ME:

Be holy and blameless.

Be to the praise of His glory.

Hear the Word of truth.

How did I miss that?! Because I was looking for directives based upon rules and regulations, rather than my relationship with Jesus. It is so easy for me to measure myself against a list of rules about my actions, like some kind of Ten Commandment checklist. Much harder to inspect my HEART and be honest about the ugliness that I see. Actions are somehow apart from me. Or based upon physical circumstances: I had a bad day or was overly tired, therefore I did (fill in the blank). But to look at my heart, the core of who I am and see dark, forgotten corners of the former me, takes courage that I don’t always have.

And that is why I am thankful for His Glorious Grace.

First Day of School.

At the intersection of earlier bedtimes and mountains of paperwork for mom, is an amazing miracle of life: Newness. A miracle? Yes.  It is remarkable how our brains are wired in that almost anything new is exciting (I had to say almost everything since I have never been to prison or stranded on a desert island, though even the latter might be fun for a day or two). Seriously. I get excited about new aluminum foil and dishwashing detergent...even if it's the same brand-I like having a full container. 

Newness is one of life's gifts to us. It tells me that yesterday is forgotten. That I have another chance. A grown-up do-over, so-to-speak.

For that reason, I have a confession: I have always loved the first day of school and disliked all the rest. I am a huge school supporter and educate my kids all summer long. But once the newness is gone, What is there to look forward to?

Somewhere in the 179 days that follow each year,  greatness is found. Disciplines are established. True friendships are forged. Respect is learned.  Gratitude is launched.

So, here's to loving all those other days in life, the ones that really count.  Because grades are not handed out on any firsts.

My Tools.

Yup, I am one of those ultra-organized people who became ultra-disorganized when I had kids. Some people call it Mommy Brain. I call it Losing my Way. I lost a large part of who I was designed to be. That piece of me that made me ME.

I could not find my Bible...or my journal. .or a pen. EVER. So, I thought that getting a device could fix the problem I 'borrowed' my husband's iPad for months until he very kindly hinted that he would like it back. (And I don't mean that sarcastically- he really was kind). I finally bought a Smartphone when my old phone died. The Bible apps and journal capabilities rock! But I still can't see my desk.

I had to go to our never-used living room to take this picture. But there is good news: I have decided to change.  Is that all it takes? Oftentimes,  yes. It means working when I am tired. When I would rather be watching television. Is it perfect? No, but I have made a choice to turn my dreams into Action.

Next: My View.

My Time.

Today marks a first for this technology- avoidant woman. Please note: I did not say challenged,  I said avoidant. I'm young and hip...I just happened to be the last of my friends to get a Smart Phone or Instagram account. What's it to ya? I mean, these things are really not necessary for life, says the girl whose parents have never owned a microwave and sister refuses to have a Facebook account.

So, what am I embarking on? A 7-day Instagram Challenge. I will also share it here since it ties so closely to revealing who I am. This challenge is tied to my heart because it unveils the key to having a husband, 3 young boys, 3 jobs (including co-owning a small business with my husband), and a longer to-do list than is humanly possible...and staying sane in the process.

It is centered around my mornings. We all get 365 (366 on lucky years) of them every year.  They are the compass to my day. When I start strong, I finish strong. As a wife, a mom, an employee, a boss, a friend, a mentor, a daughter,  a sister, a leader. When I start well, I finish well. Let's not talk about those other days :-)

Day #1: My Time. I get up at 4:00 a.m. Monday-Friday. Yes that is 0400 for any military types. It is the only way that I can read the Word, pray, study, and reflect before starting work (from home) before getting everybody started on their day. So, four it is. I fought long and hard to sleep a little later and still squeeze it all in. But even ironing 5 outfits and packing backpacks the night before is not going to allow me to get 5 people fed, dressed, and out the door in 30 minutes.

I got their gradually (and still catch up on zzzs on weekends), but I love having my daily bit of quiet solitude to recharge my mind and spirit, not just the body.

TOMORROW:  My Tools.

Who am I?

Who am I?

According to Google, I am this:

Tagline

A girl who studied to be a registered nurse and grew up to be a wife and mom and evolved into a casting director...and loving every moment of the journey.

 

Introduction

Gifted to watch people. Raised on grits. Blessed to know sweet tea. Studied to care. Explored the world through the eyes of Hollywood. Trained to act. Born to cast.
 

Bragging rights

3 boys...0 epidurals.

 

But, who is Ayoka Nelson Billions?

 

Everything above is completely true, but it doesn't delve into the deepest parts of who I am. My soul, the very core of my being, belongs to the One who created me, rescued me from hell (and my own destructive nature), and walks beside me each day on this earth, celebrating the highs and helping to lift the lows.

 

So, I am blogging. Not for clients or customers. But for friends and for me.